the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
