and my herpes radar will keep us safe
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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