$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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