Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize