My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
