apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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