When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
