Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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