No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
