I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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