He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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