I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
