Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
