So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
