They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
