Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
