he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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