Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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