It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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