Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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