I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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