I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize