I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
