I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I supernannyed him into submission
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
