She's JV to your varsity
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize