do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
