maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also, beer. Big fan.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
