She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
