Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
