the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize