When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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