He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
