Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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