someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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