Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
