i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
