Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize