The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
