and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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