Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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