My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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