I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
