The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Please don't give away my fajitas
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
