every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
