May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize