I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
