the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
