her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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