I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
