1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She announced her abortion via fbk
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize