Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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