So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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