I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
