Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
