I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Randomize
