I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
