Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
