I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
