you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
