Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
