Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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