I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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