My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
