i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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