The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
