i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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