that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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