Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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