I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
